DANIELE POL · 2024-10-21 · ENGLISH

08 – Speak So People Understand: Practical Communication Skills

Make your message easier to understand through listening, clearer requests and adaptation. Practical communication exercises for work and relationships.

Read the article ↗

You can speak clearly in your own mind and still leave someone else confused. The useful question is not only “What did I say?” but “What did they understand?”

Communication affects everyday relationships, decisions at work and how confidently you express your ideas. This article offers practical ways to adapt your message without losing your own voice.

We will consider assertiveness and empathy through Gender Intelligence and use DISC as a framework for discussing communication preferences. Neither is a reason to assign fixed characteristics to someone based on gender or a personality label.

Use the examples as starting points. Notice the individual in front of you, ask what helps them understand and test small changes in your own conversations.

1. Life: Effective Communication Skills

Sophie, a nurse in her early thirties, wanted to feel more comfortable expressing herself in everyday conversations.

Sophie is a nurse in her early thirties, known for her compassion and dedication to her patients. Despite her professional success, she often felt invisible in social settings. “I feel like I’m talking, but no one is really listening,” she confessed during one of our sessions. “It’s as if my words don’t carry weight.”

Drawing on John Gray’s “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”, we explored assertiveness, empathy, directness and connection. Some coaching language describes these as masculine and feminine energies; here, they are communication approaches anyone can use, not traits determined by gender.

Sophie was attentive and supportive, but hesitated when expressing her own needs. “I worry about coming across as too aggressive or hurting someone’s feelings,” she explained.

We worked on keeping her empathy while making her requests clearer. Assertiveness meant giving her own needs a place in the conversation, not becoming aggressive.

To put this into practice, we worked on assertive communication techniques. One exercise involved role-playing common scenarios. For instance, Sophie often found herself agreeing to extra shifts at work, even when she was exhausted. In our practice, she rehearsed saying, “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be able to take on an extra shift this week.” Initially, it felt uncomfortable for her, but with practice, she began to see that setting boundaries didn’t diminish her kindness—it enhanced her self-respect.

DISC gave us a vocabulary for discussing preferences: attention to tasks or people, and a more outgoing or reserved approach. The four styles are useful prompts for observation, not permanent categories:

Dominance (D): a preference for direct communication, decisions and results. Start with the outcome and make the request clear.
Influence (I): a preference for interaction, ideas and enthusiasm. Allow room for conversation and acknowledge contributions.
Steadiness (S): a preference for cooperation, consistency and support. Explain the change and allow time for questions.
Conscientiousness (C): a preference for detail, evidence and accuracy. Make the reasoning and expectations clear.

Sophie recognised a preference for harmony and cooperation, often associated with the S style. She noticed that some colleagues wanted a faster decision or a more animated discussion.

Her friend Mark enjoyed energetic storytelling. At a natural pause, Sophie practised joining in: “That’s a great story, Mark. It reminds me of an experience I had…” She could contribute without treating his style as something she had to compete with.

Her supervisor, Karen, preferred concise recommendations. When discussing patient care, Sophie practised stating her observations and recommendation clearly: “Based on the patient’s response, I recommend reviewing the medication.” Any clinical decision remained subject to the appropriate professional process.

To further enhance her skills, Sophie practiced the “Communication Adaptation Exercise”:

Notice communication preferences: observe what the person asks for and check your impression with them, rather than guessing a fixed DISC type.
Adapt your approach: vary the amount of detail, pace and emphasis to fit the conversation.

For a results-focused preference: be direct, explain the outcome and respect the person’s time.
For an interactive preference: invite discussion and acknowledge ideas and contributions.
For a collaborative preference: allow time, offer context and discuss support.
For a detail-focused preference: provide evidence and make the reasoning clear.

With Lisa, a colleague who valued detail, Sophie provided fuller observations and documentation. Lisa appreciated having the information she needed rather than being expected to interpret a general impression.

Non-verbal cues also matter, although there is no single percentage that describes their role in every conversation. Sophie practised:

Eye contact: use a comfortable amount of eye contact that respects the person and context.
Open posture: face the speaker and notice whether your posture supports your attention.
Responsiveness: notice gestures and tone without mechanically copying them or assuming you know what they mean.

Another technique was the “Three Seconds Rule.” Before responding in a conversation, Sophie paused for three seconds. This allowed her to gather her thoughts and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.

Combining empathy, clearer requests and attention to individual preferences helped Sophie express herself. “People seem more interested in what I have to say,” she reported. “I feel heard and respected, both at work and in my personal life.”

2. Business: Persuasive Communication in Business

At work, an idea needs more than technical accuracy: people need to understand why it matters. Michael, a software engineer, struggled to get his proposals heard.

Michael was innovative and had a knack for solving complex problems. However, during meetings, his suggestions often went unnoticed. “I present my ideas, but they don’t seem to gain traction,” he told me. “It’s frustrating to see less effective solutions implemented while mine are overlooked.”

Michael preferred detailed analysis and often kept his contribution brief. We used DISC as a prompt to discuss that preference, then examined what his actual colleagues needed from a proposal.

Rather than presenting every detail to everyone, Michael organised his message around different questions:

For the decision-maker: state the recommendation, expected outcome and trade-offs.
For someone exploring ideas: use a concrete example and invite discussion.
For someone focused on the team: explain who is affected and what support is available.
For someone checking the evidence: provide data, assumptions and reasoning.

When proposing a software feature, Michael began with the user experience: “Imagine a user completing a task in half the time, with less frustration.” He then explained the business case, including a projected 15% revenue increase for the following quarter. That was a proposal assumption to examine, not an achieved result. He supplied the detailed analysis separately.

We also worked on enhancing his verbal delivery. Michael practiced:

Varying His Tone: Using vocal variety to maintain interest.
Using Pauses Effectively: Allowing key points to resonate.
Incorporating Gestures: Using natural hand movements to emphasize points.

To build confidence, Michael rehearsed his presentations using the “Record and Review” method. He recorded himself, reviewed the footage, and made adjustments to his delivery.

We also worked on balancing analytical clarity with empathy and participation:

Engaging with Empathy: Showing genuine interest in colleagues’ perspectives.
Collaborating: Inviting input and fostering a team-oriented environment.
Expressing Appreciation: Recognizing others’ contributions.

Michael opened meetings by acknowledging progress and inviting discussion. That gave colleagues more room to contribute before a decision was made.

Michael also used the “Socratic Method” in discussions—asking open-ended questions to stimulate critical thinking and involve others. For example:

“What challenges do you foresee with this approach?”
“How might this solution impact our users’ experience?”

Inviting objections and alternatives helped colleagues engage with the proposal rather than merely receive it.

Over time, Michael observed a positive shift. “People are not only listening but also contributing to my ideas,” he remarked. His enhanced communication skills led to successful project implementations and recognition from leadership.

3. Relationship: Improving Dialogue with Your Partner

Lily and James wanted to improve conversations that left both of them frustrated.

Lily felt that James wasn’t emotionally available, while James felt overwhelmed by what he perceived as constant criticism. “I try to share my feelings, but he shuts down,” Lily expressed. James countered, “No matter what I do, it’s never enough. I feel like I’m always on the defensive.”

We explored the preferences each person described, rather than assuming that gender explained the difference:

Lily preferred an expressive discussion and wanted emotional connection.
James preferred time to think and often responded by looking for a solution.

Understanding these differences was important. We introduced the “Communication Bridge” technique:

Awareness: describe your own preferences and ask your partner about theirs.
Adaptation: Adjust your approach to meet in the middle.

Lily practiced being more concise and direct when addressing issues.
James worked on expressing his feelings and being more receptive to emotional discussions.

Appreciation: Acknowledge each other’s efforts to adapt.

We also employed the “Active Listening Exercise”:

Speaker Role: One person speaks about their feelings for a set time without interruption.
Listener Role: The other person listens attentively, then paraphrases what they heard to ensure understanding.
Switch Roles: They reverse roles and repeat the process.

In one session, Lily expressed, “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together.” James reflected back, “You feel distant because we haven’t been spending much time together.” This validation made Lily feel heard.

We discussed the Five Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

Lily’s primary love language was Quality Time, while James’s was Acts of Service. They agreed to:

Schedule Regular Date Nights: Prioritizing uninterrupted time together.
Express Appreciation: Lily acknowledged James’s efforts in taking care of household tasks, which was his way of showing love.

To navigate conflicts, they adopted the “Time-Out Strategy”:

Signal a Pause: When tensions rise, either can request a pause.
Set a Return Time: Agree on when to resume the conversation.
Reflect Individually: Use the time to calm down and consider the other’s perspective.

Understanding their DISC profiles helped them adjust communication:

Lily learned that James needed time to process information. She avoided overwhelming him with rapid-fire discussions.
James recognized Lily’s need for engagement and made an effort to initiate conversations.

They also practised approaches that were less familiar to each of them:

Lily made her needs more direct and specific.
James practised naming his feelings and listening before offering a solution.

Over time, they reported a deeper connection. “We communicate more effectively and understand each other better,” Lily shared. James added, “I feel more appreciated and less defensive.”

4. Personal growth: Enhancing Verbal Expression

Alex, a college student, wanted to organise his thoughts and feel more comfortable contributing to discussions.

Alex was intelligent and creative but often felt anxious in social situations. “When I try to speak up in class or join discussions, my mind goes blank,” he admitted. “I worry that I’ll say something wrong or that people won’t care about what I have to say.”

We examined his inner dialogue and his preference for careful, detailed thinking. He often wanted a perfect answer before speaking and found it harder to express feelings or uncertainty.

To build his verbal expression, we implemented several strategies:

Pause and breathe: Alex used a short, comfortable breathing pause before social interactions to settle his attention.
Positive Affirmations: Each day, Alex repeated affirmations such as “My voice matters” and “I contribute valuable insights.”
Journaling: Writing regularly helped him organize his thoughts and express emotions. He used prompts like “What are three things I want to share today?”
Small Group Discussions: Alex joined study groups where he felt more comfortable speaking. This provided a supportive environment to practice.
Role-Playing Exercises: We simulated conversations, allowing him to rehearse and receive feedback.
Expanding Vocabulary: He engaged in the “Word of the Day” exercise, learning new words and incorporating them into conversations.

We worked on both openness and assertiveness:

Express feelings: Alex practised saying what he felt and listening to others’ perspectives.
Take a small step: he set manageable goals, such as contributing once during a class discussion.

Understanding that his fear stemmed from a desire for perfection, we reframed his mindset. Mistakes became opportunities for learning rather than failures.

In one notable instance, Alex participated in a class debate. He prepared by organizing his points and practicing aloud. Despite initial nervousness, he presented his arguments confidently. “I felt a rush of accomplishment,” he shared. “It was empowering to have my ideas heard and respected.”

Choose a communication practice

Clear communication brings together listening, empathy and the confidence to state your point. Frameworks such as DISC can prompt useful questions, but the person and situation matter more than the label.

Sophie practised clearer boundaries, Michael adapted the structure of his proposals, Lily and James checked what each person needed, and Alex rehearsed sharing his ideas. Each worked on a different part of communication.

Here are some key takeaways to implement in your own life:

Balance empathy and assertiveness: listen carefully and make your own needs clear.
Explore communication preferences: use frameworks as prompts, then check what the individual actually needs.
Practice Active Listening and Assertive Speaking: Be fully present in conversations, listen without interrupting, and express yourself clearly and respectfully.
Practise: try role-play, the Communication Adaptation Exercise, storytelling or a supportive statement you find credible.
Embrace Continuous Growth: Communication is a skill that can always be refined. Seek feedback, stay curious, and be open to learning.

The aim is to express what you mean in a form the other person can understand, while remaining willing to hear a different perspective.

Choose one technique to practise this week.

Notice what changes in the conversation and ask for feedback rather than assuming the message landed.

Keep a brief note of what helped, what did not and what you would change next time.

Communication improves through attention, practice and adjustment.

Find your next perspective.

Continue with another article, or use the guided reflection to work on a situation of your own.

All 27 free articles ↗Try the guided reflection ↗