DANIELE POL · · ENGLISH
09 – Listen Better: Understand More, Connect More
Practise listening with fewer assumptions. Exercises for conversations at work, with your partner and in everyday life, from The Empowerment Blueprint.
Read the article ↗You can usually tell when someone is waiting to speak rather than listening. They may nod, but their attention is elsewhere. Most of us have been on both sides of that conversation.
Over coffee with a colleague from Mars Venus Coaching, we discussed how often the most useful changes begin with something simple. Listening kept coming up: giving someone your attention, rather than merely hearing their words.
In coaching, I have seen how a change in listening can affect a conversation, a working relationship and the choices that follow. This article explores how to practise it in four connected areas of life.
Notifications, email and constant information make divided attention feel normal. A useful starting point is to notice when you stop listening, and deliberately return to the person in front of you.
1. Life: Active Listening in Social Interactions
Sarah, one of my clients, had a busy social calendar and many friends, yet felt alone. The mismatch made little sense to her until we examined what happened during her conversations.
Sarah was physically present, but often planning her reply, judging what she heard or thinking about something else. Recognising that habit gave us something specific to work on.
I call this practice deep listening: staying curious long enough to understand the other person before adding your own response. Think of a teacher or grandparent who once gave you their full attention. What made that experience different?
Before your next conversation, take three slow breaths. With the first, set aside what you assume the person will say. With the second, let go of the urge to fix the situation. With the third, put your own agenda on hold.
An executive client, whom I will call Mark, tried those three breaths before team meetings. He noticed ideas from people who usually said little, including solutions he had not considered. His task was to make space to hear them.
When a subject does not interest you, curiosity can help you stay engaged. What makes it important to this person? What do they want you to understand? This was a useful lesson from my Mars Venus Coaching work.
In your next three conversations, listen as though you will later explain the person’s point of view: both what they said and how they seemed to feel. Afterwards, check your understanding with them rather than assuming it is correct.
People who listen well often make others feel understood. That can be more valuable in a conversation than having the most impressive story or the quickest answer.
2. Business: Listening to Understand Clients and Colleagues
Tom was a successful entrepreneur on paper, but his team relationships were deteriorating and clients were leaving. “I give clear directions, I have all the answers, I’m always available,” he told me. “What more do they want?” We began by looking at what he heard before he responded.
Fast answers are useful only when they address the right problem. Taking time to understand a request can prevent avoidable clarification, rework and frustration later.
A sales client used deep listening on customer calls, attending to the words and asking about the concerns behind them. She reported a 40% increase in client retention. That was her experience, rather than evidence that listening alone would produce the same result elsewhere.
For your next business conversation, use these three questions to guide your attention:
- What are they actually saying?
- What feeling is behind their words?
- What do they really need?
Consider the cost of misunderstanding: another meeting, a missed requirement or a project that needs to be redone. Listening deliberately takes time, but so does correcting an avoidable mistake.
Video meetings add distractions: other tabs, notifications and the temptation to watch your own image. Try hiding your self-view and closing unrelated windows. Notice whether it helps you attend to the speaker.
A mid-level manager noticed her boss hesitate whenever one project came up in a strategy meeting. She asked privately afterwards and learned that he had concerns he had not raised with the whole team. They could then address those concerns before committing more time and resources.
The same habit matters when a conversation is personal rather than professional.
3. Relationship: Deepening Connection Through Listening
In my work with couples and my training with John Gray, I have often encountered partners who think they are discussing the same thing but are responding to different needs. Listening helps reveal that difference.
Lisa and Michael came to me feeling they no longer understood each other. Each was responding to what they expected the other to mean, rather than checking what was actually being said.
When Lisa asked about Michael’s day, he offered the main events while she wanted to understand how it had felt. When she described a problem, he offered solutions while she wanted him to hear her experience.
Deep listening means asking what this particular person needs in this particular conversation. My own relationships and training with John Gray taught me not to assume that another person communicates as I do, or to infer their needs from their gender.
Tonight, when your partner describes their day, listen without immediately giving advice or telling a similar story. Try to understand what the day felt like for them. If you are unsure what they need, ask.
Being heard can make it easier to share more openly. Notice how the conversation changes, without expecting your partner to respond in a particular way.
During my Mars Venus training, I learned to notice signs that someone might feel more at ease: a change in breathing, lowered shoulders or a softer voice. These are clues to check, not proof of what another person feels.
James and Emma described a recurring problem. When Emma spoke about a difficult day, James moved straight to solutions. She wanted understanding before advice.
We tried a 90-second pause. James listened, then reflected what the situation might have felt like for Emma. He held back advice and similar stories until she had a chance to confirm or correct his understanding.
Emma said she felt more understood than she had in months. James was surprised by what he noticed when he was no longer rehearsing a solution.
When a topic returns repeatedly, ask what remains unresolved or unheard. Curiosity is more useful than assuming you already know why your partner is raising it again.
Before a difficult discussion about money, family or parenting, agree to give each person three uninterrupted minutes. First understand each perspective; then move to questions and possible solutions.
4. Personal growth: Developing Better Listening Habits
Listening also includes noticing your own responses. Where does your attention go? What makes you defensive, impatient or eager to offer advice?
David came to coaching to progress in his career. As he practised listening at work, he also became more aware of his own needs and reactions, including feelings he usually dismissed beneath self-criticism.
When did you last spend five minutes without a phone, television, music or another distraction? Quiet time can help you notice what is already on your mind.
Tomorrow morning, before picking up your phone, sit quietly for five minutes. Notice thoughts, feelings and sounds without trying to change them. The exercise is simply to pay attention.
Treat this as practice in noticing rather than a promise of insight. You may begin to recognise reactions that also appear in meetings or conversations with your partner.
You might notice that a particular topic makes you tense, or that you lose attention when a familiar story begins. Examine the pattern with curiosity before deciding what it means.
Before my training with John Gray, I assumed I was a good listener because listening was part of my work. Looking more closely, I saw how often I offered advice before someone had finished speaking.
Once I noticed that habit, I could practise waiting. I learned more from clients because I heard the whole account instead of stopping at the part I thought I could solve.
You can practise in ordinary settings: noticing your thoughts while waiting, listening more carefully in a meeting or putting your phone away over dinner. Choose a safe situation where you can give the exercise your attention.
Better listening can reveal details and perspectives that divided attention misses. Start with one conversation rather than trying to change every interaction at once.
Put listening into practice
The practice connects four areas: social conversations, work, close relationships and awareness of your own reactions.
In each setting, the task is similar: pause your assumptions, listen for meaning and check what you think you have understood.
You do not need a new personality to begin. You need a little space between hearing something and deciding what to say next.
Choose one conversation tomorrow. Put distractions aside, let the speaker finish and reflect back the point you heard. Ask whether you understood it correctly.
Afterwards, note what you heard that you might otherwise have missed. Use that observation to guide your next conversation.
Find your next perspective.
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